ATTN: SATIRE

*No part of this article is meant to be offensive or taken as truth.*

Kelly Walsh Cures Obesity Epidemic

                Kelly Walsh High School has begun implementing multiple different ways to resolve the obesity epidemic which plagues America. Because healthier food would cost extra money, the school has created new, money-saving ways to keep kids healthy and in shape.

                Kelly Walsh provides the students daily exercise by letting them walk five to ten minutes from their cars to the school every day. This is an ingenious way to get the blood flowing early in the morning, and the below-zero air is great for stimulating the brain. Some claim that this parking distance is a pain, but the truth is that the KW faculty is implementing tough love purely for the benefit of their students. In fact, much of the faculty goes without this morning exercise and parks in a parking lot near the school’s activity entrance for the express purpose of putting the students’ needs first. Also, by introducing a spirit of competition for parking spots, students get real-life experience with the kind of survival-of-the-fittest atmosphere to be found in their future careers and they are motivated to show up to school early, further cutting down on tardies.

                In addition to this wonderful new exercise regimen, the faculty has decided to stomp out unhealthy snacking between meals, a leading factor in the obesity of youth. Food is no longer allowed in classrooms or academic areas or physical education areas or anywhere but the cafeteria. Some say this is in order to save money on carpet-cleaning and keeping the new building pristine, but no educational institution would ever put their workplace before the happiness and education of their students. Although some signs of malnutrition may be shown in smaller students, including diabetics and those with quick metabolisms, these fainting fits and low blood pressure readings will soon be replaced by fit bodies and strong muscles, to be showcased in ‘after’ school pictures to be taken on the last day of the semester.

                Like their forefathers during the Great Depression, the administrators of Kelly Walsh High School have adopted the mission of thriftiness in their goal to improve the lives of their students. By providing extra opportunities for students to introduce the habit of exercise and eradicate the habit of unnecessary eating, even for those already enrolled in health or P.E. classes, Kelly Walsh is doing the community a great service in improving the quality of life of their children.